Week 5 is in the books and for the third week in a row the standings are completely symmetrical: three teams at 4-1, four at 3-2, four at 2-3, and three at 1-4. We are a more than a third of the way through the season and it’s all still there for the taking – nobody is out of it yet, at least mathematically. Last year, 7-7 was enough to get into the dance meaning the 1-4 teams need to go 6-3 the rest of the way, which is entirely plausible for teams not named Voldemorts. With that said, this would be a pretty shitty column if I said “let’s wait and see” so without further ado, let’s jump into week 5 overreactions.
#1 – Aquarium Avenue Magikarps 4-1 (+1)
The Karps laid a beatdown on the Pontooners putting up 130 points in the return of Cooper Kupp, who had a solid outing in his first game back, bolstering an already impressive lineup. DJ Moore went absolutely nuts on Thursday night, leaving little doubt in the outcome of this match from the get go, and Darren Waller finally had an impressive performance, most importantly getting 11 looks in the passing game which was far and away a season high. To make matters worse, this team gets Austin Ekeler back next week, so it looks to be tough sledding for the Karps opponent’s for the foreseeable future.
#2 – Creek Crossing ZenSharks 4-1 (+1)
The Sharks eked out a victory despite only putting up 69 points (should he tweet about this Corey?) but there is room for optimism for Sharks fans. The team got the win with 4 of its top 5 selections (including keepers) out this week between byes and injuries, and the injuries don’t appear to be long term. Most importantly, Breece Hall did what Breece Hall does, and busted out for a 72 yard touchdown run, and averaged over 5 yards a carry even without that impressive run. Yes, it was the Broncos, and yes, the Jets Passing offense still sucks, but don’t forget – Breece Hall broke out last year with basically the same conditions. The most important thing here is that the Jets have abandoned this ridiculous timeshare – and Breece Hall is once again the feature back. Perhaps the $9M for Dalvin Cook would have been better spent on bolstering the offensive line, or signing a backup QB.
#3 – Delamere Dawg Pound 3-2 (+1)
The Dawg Pound put up an impressive 111 point performance to overcome the bye week blues and smash the Voldemorts in what will probably be that team’s highest point output of the season. The Dawg Pound are pacing the league in points, with nearly 50 more than the next best team, despite having two losses. Not only does this bode well for the team’s future, it provides an important edge in the tiebreak game, which given the current standings is likely to factor in at some point. We’ve been saying it all year, but this team is a mortal lock to make the dance – the big question will be if GM Boyle can finally get his squad over the hump and deliver a championship to the good people of Delamere.
#4 – Crevasse Cheeks 4-1 (+3)
This team continues to get it done despite GM Conde’s near-constant public statements expressing no belief in his squad. This team has weapons at every position except RB2, and even the bench saw Joe Burrow return to form, and rookie WR Addison likely to take on a much bigger role with Justin Jefferson going down to injury. If this squad can manage to find a RB before the trade deadline, they could be right in the thick of it for a chompionship run.
#5 – NT Angry Birdz 3-1 (-)
The Birbs are 0-1 since changing their name and lost a close one thanks to some questionable roster decisions from GMGrove. The team blew a 32 point performance by their QB by foolishly starting gamble RB Jonathon Taylor over established god-tier RB Zack Moss, and WR Devonta Smith over the clearly superior Hollywood Brown. If this GM can stay out of his own way, he might guide his team to a deep playoff run, although his plethora of RB options might be down to 2 if rookie sensation Devon Achane misses an extended period of time with a knee injury.
#6 – Hibiscus Battle Hogz 3-2 (+2)
The Battle Hogz had another solid outing to move to 3-2 on the season, putting fans in an unfamiliar spot where the team doesn’t need a miracle run to make the dance this year. The team overcame a mediocre outing from keeper Tony Pollard and a donut from TE acquisition Hunter Henry to put up 107 points in a convincing victory over the Tornados. TE aside, this team has killers throughout the lineup and could be a force to be reckoned with come December.
#7 – Launay McFavres 3-2 (-6)
Two losses in a row have the defending champs reeling in the power rankings and BAFFL standings, and have the fans in Launay reaching for, but not yet pressing the panic button. This team had solid outings from Hill, Goedert, and Mostert, but it wasn’t enough to overcome the rest of the squad’s terrible outings. After a promising start from QB Love, he has come crashing down to earth, and Trevor Lawrence while playable does not look to be an elite QB option. It could be hard for this team to overcome poor QB play when you have QBs like Allen, Fields, Herbert and others routinely going off for 30+ on any given Sunday.
#8 – Minoterie BIG GUYs 2-3 (+1)
It was a tough day for the BIG GUYs who were already popping champagne on Saturday night celebrating a win with the Sharks ravaged by injuries and byes. Unfortunately for GM Allen, his squad was too hungover to get the job done in what should have been a cakewalk, and the team dropped to 2-3 on the back of a 62 point performance. More troubling is the injury suffered by QB Anthony Richardson, his second already of the young season. Time will tell if this is just a blip in a hall of fame career, or if the gator alumni simply isn’t built to take frequent hits from some of the biggest and baddest men on the planet.
#9 – Thresher Tornados 2-3 (-3)
Honestly fuck this team. Every year we get excited and every year they do this. Justin Jefferson is hurt – put a fork in them they’re done.
(Editor’s Note: I reserve the right to take credit for lighting a fire under this squad if this is the start of a run for them).
#10 – Moustache Mystics 2-3 (+1)
The Mystics got a win thanks in part to a monster outing from WR Ja’Marr Chase, but had solid performances throughout the lineup to smash the valley peasants. This team has elite WR options, and make sure you’re sitting down for this, but rookie Sam LaPorta is the TE1 on the season through 5 weeks. It wasn’t all sunshine for the Mystics this week though, as RB Khalil Herbert looks to have suffered a high ankle sprain, and Javonte Williams continues to miss time while Jaleel McLaughlin makes the case for at worst a committee once Williams returns. They say BAFFL is a runningback league, and in Week 6 this team might be staring down a staring duo of Chubba Hubbard and [Insert Waiver Wire Pickup Here].
#11 – Aconitum Wolves 2-3 (+1)
The Wovles continue to show signs of life, knocking off the defending champs for their second win in a row, and edging ever closer to outside of the fish bracket. There was nothing particularly impressive about the win, everyone on the squad just did enough to get by with 92 points. I don’t know how many times I need to say this, but Najee Harris still sucks, and it’s time to pull the plug. No amount of volume will save this man, and this team’s options at RB are not good. This team is still a front runner for the fish bracket, don’t be fooled by the mini win-streak.
#12 – Pepsiland Pontooners 1-4 (-2)
Dead. Deceased. Cooked. Finito. Buried. This team is toast – much like Derrick Henry’s time as a fantasy stud: last week was an aberration, a final flash in the pan at the tail end of a hall of fame career. This team has nobody outside Travis Kelce – and he might miss time despite coming back to finish the game.
#13 – Serfs of the Valley 1-4 (-)
The valley proletariat had one of their best outings of the year, but it wasn’t enough to get past the Mystics and this team falls to 1-4. Cam Akers sucks, Dalvin Cook sucks, and Kyren Williams came crashing down to earth, leaving this team in a bind at the RB situation. Free agent pickup Jaleel McLaughlin looked explosive, but is likely to cede reps to Javonte Williams when he returns. He’ll still be playable, but this team needs more than playable to crawl out of the fish bowl bracket. GM Tyler is learning the hard way: receivers are not a dime a dozen, and he would be in a much better position having kept any number of WRs over two RBs who aren’t remotely fantasy relevant by week 5.
#14 – Voldemorts 1-4 (-)
What is there really to say about this team? They had great performances by RB Alvin Kamara and TE Logan Thomas, and still barely managed to crack the 80 point barrier, in what was their best overall performance and possibly a season high. Mortal lock for the fish bowl, and increasingly looking like a mortal lock for the fish.
BAFFL 