14. Crickets 1-0 (-)
Yes, they won a game. Saquon had a monster showing week 1. They had the top pickup of the week before it even started. This team is still dogshit. In their starting lineup this week: Gabe Davis, Demarcus Robinson, Jerry Jeudy. The crickets got lucky week 1 – combination of their best possible showing and playing against a team that absolutely shit the bed. This is still the worst team in BAFFL and it’s not close.
13. Mysitcs 0-1 (-1)
One of the bottom teams in the rankings going into the season had an abysmal performance week 1, securing the weekly prize for the lowest point total. Aaron Jones was the lone bright spot for the mystics, putting up a vintage performance and solidifying his hold on the #1 spot in Minnesota, whose offense might not be as bad as we thought. The good news ended there though, with the Chase/Burrow stack looking god awful in a loss to the patriots. Chase looks completely disinterested in playing until he gets his new contract, hopefully for the Mystics’ sake Tee Higgins return improves Burrow’s performance. Zamir white took a backseat to Alexander Mattison, and Sam LaPorta had a stinker along with the rest of the top tight ends this week.
12. Delamere Dawgpound 0-1 (-2)
The Dawgpound had a tough week 1 – not only losing to the Hibiscus Battle Hogz but also losing starting QB Jordan Love to injury. He had a few solid, but unspectacular performances through the rest of the lineup, but nothing to really fire up the Dawgpound faithful in the first week of their title defense. On the bright side, Kyle Pitts found the end zone for what felt like the first time in his career, but unfortunately didn’t add to it much, catching only 3 passes on the week.
11. Creek Crossing Sharks 0-1 (-7)
The biggest faller of the week – the Creek Crossing Sharks, who put up a 62 point stinker in a loss to the BIG GUYs. The runningback keeper duo was fine, not their best performance of the season but no real concern at that position. The same can’t be said for the rest of the roster – as the 3 highly touted WRs the Sharks trotted out all turned in duds, along with Mark Andrews who only managed two receptions in his first game of the season. You can chalk Olave’s performance up to game script against the Panthers – but this just might be who Christian Kirk is. Luckily for the Sharks – Jameson Williams had a breakout performance on the bench – but time will tell if this is a one off, or if the Lions have found a legitimate #2 option to the Sun God in the offense.
10. Aconitum Wolves 0-1 (-4)
Speaking of the Sun God, the Wolves keeper turned in an absolute dud in a close game with plenty of offense. Part of St-Brown’s appeal as a fantasy asset is that he almost never has games like this – he is normally a mortal lock for 10+ targets, 8+ receptions and 70+ yards. Is this just a blip on the radar of St-Brown’s hall of fame career? Or has he been supplanted in the Lion’s offense by the more explosive Williams? If it’s the latter, the Wolves could be in big trouble.
9. Pepsiland Pontooners 0-1 (-4)
Losing to the worst team in BAFFL by only putting up 68 points is not the start to the season the Pontooners had envisioned. #1 overall draft pick Marvin Harrison Jr. managed only 1 catch for 4 yards, being out-produced by Greg Dortch and Michael Wilson. Dak Prescott put up below average numbers in a blowout win, and the team lost TE David Njoku to injury. On the bright side, Bowers had one of the better TE performances in a barren TE landscape, and Brian Robinson had a great game on the Tooners bench. The tooners will fine tune their roster going into week 2 hoping for a bounce back effort.
8. BIG GUYs 1-0 (+3)
The BIG GUYs got the win in week 1 but their performance left a lot to be desired. First round pick Nico Collins delivered, and Anthony Richardson had a monster game. The same can’t be said for Tyjae Spears and Gus Edwards, who through one game are already on total bust watch. If these guys put up a few more weeks like this, they might find themselves on the wrong end of the Monday BIG GUY cuts.
7. Lords of the Valley 1-0 (+2)
The Valley Lords got the win in week 1 and put up 94 points but the box score doesn’t tell the whole story. The Lords are very likely 0-1 this week if Christian McCaffrey plays and/or the Vikings D doesn’t put up a monster 22 point week. First round pick Travis Kelce put up an absolute dud, Raheem Mostert did as well and might be hurt, and Diggs had a good game but only because he found the end zone twice, putting up only 33 yards receiving in the process. We expect this team to stay towards the middle of the pack, or possibly slide in the rankings in the weeks ahead.
6. AA Magikarps 0-1 (-3)
The Karps had a tough break in week 1 having to scramble (with the help of the shadow commissioner) to find a starting RB who put up a grand total of 0 (zero) points in replacing the consensus #1 overall fantasy player. McCaffrey issues aside, no W/R/T on the roster put up more than 10 points aside from Cooper Kupp and Roddy White. With all that said, this could all be counteracted by the fact that Cooper Kupp WR1 is firmly back on the menu. Many people had the suspicion Kupp could return to being the top dog in LA, but in their wildest dreams Kupp drafters couldn’t have imagined a 30+% target share, which seems likely for as long as Nacua is out or limited.
5. Voldemorts 1-0 (+8)
The top scorer and biggest riser in the power rankings Week 1: the Voldemort’s squad of Death Eaters was impressive in their week 1 victory as they put the Cheeks in a Crucio spell. Keepers Mixon and Kamara had monster weeks, and Jaden Reed cast away all doubt as to who is the top WR in Green Bay. Reed will surely not be putting up 30 pt performances until Jordan Love comes back, but should still be heavily involved in the screen game and jet sweeps, maintaining some value even with Malik Willis at QB. If the Voldemorts put up another performance like this, they could find themselves in the upper echelon of BAFFL teams very quickly.
4. Crevasse Cheeks 0-1 (-2)
“But but how can you put the team he just beat ahead of him?!?!” It’s called writing my own column dipshit, I can do whatever I want. Yes, the cheeks lost week 1, and yes, they lost Nacua for at least the next 4 weeks. 👏It👏doesn’t👏fucking👏matter.👏 Tony Pollard and Rhamondre Stevenson went off on the bench and had monster weeks not just in terms of production but in terms of volume. Ladd McConkey is a top lad, and put up 12.4 points in his first game, 11.5 more than #1 overall pick MHJ. Cheeks will be fine, no need to press the panic button, this team can get the job done and let Nacua rest up for a long playoff run.
3. Thresher Tornados 1-0 (+4)
The Tornados got the win week 1 and had a decent performance from most of their starters, but it’s their bench that has us bricked up and ready to crown this team nice and early. JK Dobbins was an absolute monster week 1 and looks like he could be one of the steals of the draft. Bucky Irving was electric, and could make the case for a bigger workload in TB. This team is locked and loaded and ready for a long playoff run.
2. Hibiscus Battle Hogz 1-0 (+6)
After 1 week the zero RB strategy looks to be paying off in a big way for the Hogz. Despite struggles at the RB position, monster games from Mike Evans, AJ Brown and Tyreek Hill made them all irrelevant. All three of these WRs are in line for monster seasons, and if the Hogz can even find one consistent runningback (Zack Moss?) they will be a force to be reckoned with all season long.
1. Naatur Triil Angers 1-0 (-)
Dr. Cosgrove Strange: I went forward in time. To view alternate Futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming season.
Adib Quill: How many did you see?
Dr. Cosgrove Strange: Fourteen million, six hundred and five.
Noel Stark: How many did you lose?
Dr. Cosgrove Strange: None.
All is proceeding as planned for this luminary GM, as they march towards their inevitable championship at 1-0. De’von Achane may have gone down to injury, but GMGrove has already foreseen this and undoubtedly planned for this reality.
BAFFL 