Hello BAFFLites – I would like to begin my first post on BAFFL.ca by introducing myself. My name is Adumb Chefturd, and I am an aspiring sports columnist. At 48, I am late to the game. Although I have a Bachelor of Journalism, which I like to call a BJ for obvious reason, I’ve been managing an electronics department (Walmart) for the last 28 years. It’s time for a change, and a mentor of mine, Adam Scheffter, suggested I cover an up-and-coming league that has “paid its dues” and is finally breaking the barrier into the mainstream.
That brings me here, to BAFFL.
Throughout the season I will be contributing to BAFFL.ca with rumours, rants, and overall coverage. IMPORTANT: For this to work, I need your help as I build contacts within the league. If you have storylines you’d like investigated, rumours, or leaks, please send an email to adumbchefturd@gmail.com.
You can also follow me on X (@AdumbChefturd). Feel free to send a DM to me with scoops as well. Many of the readers are here are closely connected to the GMs. Don’t forget to put notifications on in order to get BREAKING updates.
As my first contribution, I have created what the youth call a “mock draft”. With the keeper deadline a few short days away, I’ve made some assumptions, and I must say…this was so fucking easy.
Pick 1 – The Pontooners
Keepers: Derrick Henry & Isiah Pacheco
Selection: Marvin Harrison Jr.
One of the bigger stories of the BAFFL offseason has been the ongoing contract negotiations between the Pontooners and longtime, future gold jacket, soon to be 35-year-old Travis Kelce. In my not so humble opinion, the team would’ve gotten this done long ago if they wanted to make it work and will be heading into the first overall pick with Derrick Henry and Isiah Pacheco as their keepers.
GM Guy will ensure his purple draft day duo tang is full of Marvin Harrison Jr photos. We know he loves long-time keepers and this one fell onto his lap.
Pick 2 – The Voldemorts
Keepers: Joe Mixon and Brandon Aiyuk
Selection: Nick Chubb
Another team letting a longtime keeper go back into the draft. GM Chowdhury has taken time this Summer to assess the future direction of the team whilst coaching our nation’s youth to basketball scholarships and photographing concerts with media credentials for the free chicken fingers.
His first move was to call Mr. Mixon and mend relations after publicly tarnishing him publicly for YEARS. While this recent acquisition may have smoothed things over in Mixon’s camp, I am hearing rumblings that GM Chowdhury simply doesn’t trust him and never will. There is 0% chance he lets a player like Nick Chubb slip past him in the draft.
Pick 3 – The Wolves
Keepers: CeeDee Lamb and Amon-ra St. Brown
Selection: Josh Allen
After securing two top 5 receivers as his keepers, GM Begin is licking his chops while perusing the rankings and buying card packs on marketplace. I’m hearing that Rachaad White will indeed be moving to Aquarium Avenue by this Saturday, which means a top candidate to finish QB-1 will be in the draft. The Wolves know Allen won’t be around for round 2 and a source with the team recently told me that he commended GM Harvey for “getting his guy”. Writing is on the wall, folks.
Pick 4 – The Cheeks
Keepers: Puca Nacua and Bijan Robinson
Selection: Mark Andrews
GM Conde enters the season with two young keepers and a decent amount of picks, he won’t shy away from selecting a “onesie” position and knows the importance of securing a top tight end. After trading away Mark Andrews last season, the door was left open for a return via trade. There’s a mutual respect between both sides and with the Cheeks having a solid foundation at WR and RB, they take Mark Andrews without hesitation.
Pick 5 – The Valley Lords
Keepers: Kyren Williams, Deebo Samuel
Selection: Patrick Mahomes
In my short time covering this league I have received an influx of complaints about this GM. Emails and DM’s about his gloating emails sent league-wide, overvaluing his players, etc. etc. After checking himself into a rehab facility to “find himself”, he is focusing on improving in one area before moving on to another. This year, I’m told, he will focus on drafting players that aren’t on rosters.
After attempting to draft Travis Kelce in the 4th round in the 2023 BAFFL Draft, GM Tyler will assume Travis Kelce was kept again and will draft Patrick Mahomes 5th overall.
Pick 6 – The Gorilla’s
Keepers: James Cook, Garrett Wilson
Selection: Drake London
Karma can be such an asshole. After tossing first-round picks for several years, GM Allen has focused on making smart decision for the last few seasons, only to be burned by several running backs. He’s not making that mistake ever again and takes a young, freak athlete receiver with vastly improved QB play. GM Allen is hoping Drake and Garrett can be long-term keepers.
Pick 7 – The Sharks
Keepers: Breece Hall, Jahmyr Gibbs
Selection: Nico Collins
A truly defining moment in the history of BAFFL drafts is when GM Sheahan stood up on stage at the 2023 BAFFL DRAFT hosted at the “I Can Only See Darkness When I Try to Imagine An Apple” Stadium on Creek Crossing Way, and said, “I can’t believe you let DK Metcalf fall to me, you idiots!”.
Well, the same is about to happen as Nico Collins slips to pick 7. Sources say GM Sheahan is “enamored” with CJ Stroud. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Sharks try to stack those two players. Queue the “Your team fuckin’ sucks” messages only to contemplate being a buyer or seller at the deadline.
Pick 8 – The Angry Birdz
Keepers: Jonathon Taylor, De’von Achane
Selection: Chris Olave
Heading into the draft with a plethora of early round picks, it truly is time for the Birdz to give their fans something to cheer about. The fans have endured endless relocations and showed great patience with long-time keeper Joe Mixon.
The Birdz have two very solid running backs and will snag a projected top 10 wide receiver. Start.The.Parade.
Pick 9 – TheTornados
Keepers: Justin Jefferson, Travis Etienne Jr.
Selection: Kenneth Walker III
Now, listen. I know I am new here, but I really think this is the start of a nice little run on the shitty ass running backs left for the munson’s picking in the late first.
Kenneth Walker III has breakaway, game changing speed that the Tornados need desperately. They have often provided support to their keepers with safe and reliable floors. Walker III provides that with a higher ceiling than the other RBs kicking around.
Pick 10 – The Mystics
Keepers: Ja’marr Chase, Sam(antha) LaPorta
Selection: David Montgomery
Having kept a player named Sam, the Mystics are leaning towards a definitive male name and David fits the script here. You can scratch Alvin off their list.
In all seriousness, sources close to the Moustache’s are telling me that GM Lawan wants every piece of the Lions offence that he can get. The Mystics lacked touchdowns last year and Montgomery gives them a great chance at adding tuddies to the team.
Pick 11 – The BattleHogz
Keepers: AJ Brown, Tyreek Hill
Selection: Alvin Kamara
After fleecing GM Harvey weeks into his new role, GM Desormeaux comes into the draft with two top 10 wide-receivers. Many experts think he will repeat his path from last year and select a top quarterback in the first round, but my sources are telling me he has a thing for nose rings. The Hogz need to find some run support and will keep the RB run rolling.
Pick 12 – The Magikarps
Keepers: Christian McCaffrey, Rachaad White
Selection: Trey McBride
Having an early second round selection provides GM Dufresne (4-time champion, nobody fucking cares) with flexibility. Looking at the wide receivers left, he loves them and elects to take a player that, I’ve been told, was a potential keeper prior to their trade for Rachaad White.
Pick 13 – TRADE – The Angry Birdz trade with The Crotch Crickets
Are you kidding me? This is so fucking obvious. Duh. The master plan is finally uncovered, and the Crotch Crickets move their way up into the first round and the Angry Birdz continue their collection of valuable picks on their way to a championship.
Keepers: Saquon Barkley, Jalen Hurts
Selection: Devonta Smith
Self-explanatory.
Pick 14 – The Dawgpound
Keepers: Josh Jacobs, Devante Adams
Selection: Mike Evans
GM Boyle loves letting the draft come to him rather than chasing. A lot of GM’s could learn a thing or two from the current champ, but they won’t. With the Raiders in shambles, GM Boyle elects for yet another safe pick to compliment Adams and selects Mike Evans at the end of the first round.
There you have it folks. Don’t forget to connect with me via email or social.
BAFFL 