Hello BAFFL fans, foes, and fellow GMs. Hope you’re all enjoying your summers, but while people around the country flock to beaches and patios, there is no “off-season” in BAFFL. GMs have been busy working the phones, trying to re-sign players, make trades, and dig up dirt on their fellow GMs to blackmail. Fans, pundits and executives are all gearing up for the BAFFL keeper deadline, which in a bizarre move the Commissioner has yet to announce. Will it be a week before the draft as usual? Or will the Commissioner somehow try to get a leg up on his opponents by announcing a surprise deadline at the last minute after he has completed the deals he wants? This column for years has worked to expose the corruption of the Commissioner – and we can’t believe in 2023 we still live in a world where this tyrant’s reign continues.
Anyhow, you didn’t come here to hear me rant about the shady nature of the Commish, you came here for projected keepers, so without further ado, here are your 2023-2024 keeper projections:
Voldemorts:
Keepers: Rhamondre Stevenson, AJ Brown (TRADE)
The Voldemorts finished dead last in the regular season last year, and with this bunch of scrubs it is no surprise. The keeper options are slim for the team who shall not be named, honestly this team could do with two keeper trades but it will be difficult to pull off with a severe lack of draft capital (late first and second round picks, no third). In a desperation move, the volds trade their late second for jacked batman AKA AJ Brown. With the lack of draft capital and the lack of great keeper options, it figures to be a rough season for GM Deebers in 2023-2034.
Projection: 2-12
Moustache Mystics:
Keepers: Ja’Marr Chase, Etienne Jr (TRADE)
The Mystics have an elite keeper option in Ja’Marr Chase, which is a great position to be in. Unlike the team who shall not be named, they also held on to more or less all of their draft picks, setting themselves up for a bounce back season. The Mystics could opt to hold on to all their picks and keep Javonte Williams, but it’s a risky proposition given Williams is coming off major knee surgery and is questionable to start the season.
Projection: 8-6
Crevasse Cheeks:
Keepers: Mark Andrews, Nick Chubb (TRADE)
The Cheeks are sitting pretty with the first overall pick and adding chomps as an assistant GM for the upcoming season. Bijan Robinson figures to make an immediate impact, so GM Conde would be smart to make a trade for a keeper upgrade and start the season with a lethal combination of two outstanding RBs and a TE to build on. He can very likely pick up a couple of solid wide receivers in the round 2-3 turn, setting the team up for a huge season. Can chomps perform another miracle after last season’s disappointment?
Projection: 9-5
Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla:
Keepers: Garrett Wilson, Ken Walker
Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla narrowly avoided becoming the first back-to-back chomps owners, but this squad (wtf is their real name?) has some decent options at keeper including Diggs and Josh Allen. GM Allen loves his bills, but he loves his rookies even more, and he’s got two great young keepers that are too good to pass up. If he can stay out of his own way in the draft (LOL!) he could put together a decent squad.
Projection: 6-8
Zen Sharks:
Keepers: Breece Hall, Amon-Ra St. Brown
For years the ZenSharks have been selling their fans on “the process” and have accumulated pick after pick while sacrificing the present. This year is time to put up or shut up, the Sharks absolutely must make the playoffs and contend for a title or the GM will be bagging groceries in 2024. Keeping Etienne and Hall would be tempting, but the GM knows the value he is going to get for a RB is much better than what he could get for one of his stud young wide receivers. With 5 picks in the first 3 rounds before trading away a keeper, the sharks are poised for success, but fans have heard this story before and will believe it when they see it.
Projection: 10-4
Offenders:
Keepers: Justin Jefferson, Derrick Henry (TRADE)
The Offenders are widely expected to rebrand this season, leaving the league in suspense for another couple months. The writers at BAFFL.ca hope the Offenders GM can talk some sense into GM Deebers and convince him to do the same, but we expect to be disappointed once again. The Offenders have the 1.01 keeper once again, and once again the supporting cast looks God awful. Look for the Offenders to make a deal to bring in an established player, in the hopes that they don’t waste Jefferson’s prime years. The Pepsiland Nordiques are the perfect dance partner, as the team says goodbye to long-time star Derrick Henry to usher in the era of their new 10 year RB keeper.
Projection: 7-7
Hogz:
Keepers: Kyle Pitts, Tony Pollard
The hoglets GM is always a wildcard, so prognosticating on his keepers is a difficult task. No one loves trades more, and we love him for it as it keeps the league spicy, but it makes any sort of projection an impossible task. In an RB starved league, Pollard is a no-brainer and looks to be the lead guy in Dallas, but Pitts is a huge high risk high reward keeper. No one doubts the TEs long term potential, but can the hogz continue to hold on to Pitts next year if he has another sub-par year under Desmond Ritter? The Hogz GM is never shy to go against the grain, so we expect him to roll the dice and keep Pitts after the training camp reports make him sound like a combination of Kelce/Gronk/Andrews and Kittle.
Projection: 5-9
Dawgpound:
Keepers: Josh Jacobs, Davante Adams
The Dawgpound struck gold in the draft last year taking Josh Jacobs basically at gunpoint. The Delemere raiders got the last laugh with one of the best RBs in the league, who figures to be a central part of the raiders offense this year as well. With the raiders adding Jimmy G, Davante Adams is another slam dunk keeper, putting the Dawgpound in a good position heading into the season.
Projection: 10-4
EB Angry Birds:
Waddle, Jonathan Taylor
The EB Angry Birds head into the season with two rock solid keepers and almost their full contingent of draft picks. The big question is: which Jonathan Taylor do they get? Does Taylor return to the 1.01 fantasy option? Or does Anthony Richardson vulture touchdowns from an injury riddled Taylor campaign. If Taylor dominates the league and delivers a title, it will be because of pure fantasy acumen and skill, but if he has a poor season you can be sure there is a grand conspiracy against GMGrove and no one has ever had such bad luck in the history of life.
Projection: 5-9
Spa Lords:
Keepers: Patrick Mahomes, Cam Akers
The Spa Lords should upgrade their keepers here, but GM Tyler is nothing if not stubborn and determined to hold on to bad takes and prove everyone wrong. He will hold onto Akers until he is no longer in the league, and being an impossible trade partner there is no chance he pays enough to upgrade the second keeper slot. Mahomes is not a terrible option at keeper, and gives him a top 3 QB locked and loaded. This team sucks, and I don’t have much else to say on the subject.
Projection: 4-10
Pepsiland:
Keepers: Travis Kelce, Dameon Pierce
Kelce is the type of player that you are absolutely fine holding on to until his decline, and never trying to time a sale. There is quite simply nobody else like him in the league right now, and having Kelce gives you an automatic win at the TE position week in and week out. James reached for Dameon Pierce in the draft last year in a gamble that paid off, expect him to keep Pierce and usher in a new era for the Nordiques.
Projection: 11-3
Magikarps:
Keepers: CMC, Austin Ekeler
If I’m writing this column again next year and Devan has two top tier keepers and a top 3 pick (that isn’t his own) I am going to burn this league to the ground with all of the GMs inside it. Devan will do the exact same thing he did last year, let Kupp back into the draft, take him at number 2, and be set up for another year of championship contention. Thank God he never won the #1 overall pick or we’d all be staring down the barrel of a fantasy dynasty.
Projection: 12-2
Wolves:
Keepers: Najee Harris, CeeDee Lamb
Najee’s stock is low after a tough sophomore season but the Wolves GM won’t sell low, and hopes that Najee rebounds in year 3 and is not Trent Richardson 2.0. Ceedee Lamb is one of the best WR options in a keeper league, and a no brainer for the Wolves GM. With no picks until #13, and looking for a RB2 (LOL) the Wolves will be in big trouble if Richardson Harris doesn’t bounce back.
Projection: 7-7
McFavres:
Keepers: Tyreek Hill, Saquon Barkley
Congratulations once again to the 2023 champion Launay McFavres! This team is a cautionary tale for GMs who get upset at other team’s trades and spit out hot takes proclaiming teams dead at the draft. After being absolutely roasted for giving up so much for Saquon, the McFavres GM rode their stud RB all the way to BAFFL glory. With all that said, the team is in tough this year with no first round pick this year or next, and like the wolves searching for a RB2 at #15. Normally we would look for GM Snider to trade back into the first round, but that will be tough sledding with no 2024 1st. Predictions are a dime a dozen in this business, and I just finished talking about how worthless they have been, but we expect the clock to strike midnight on Cinderella, and the McFavres to take a big step back in 2023-2024.
Projection: 5-9
BAFFL 