This is the second post in a two part series, where we will break down the first (and best) mock draft in the BAFFL blogverse. Note: one of our loyal readers pointed out what a fucking idiot this writer is for not having Justin Jefferson as a keeper for the Offenders. Unlike certain soft GMs, we welcome constructive criticism and take the point. For the purposes of this mock draft, we put Justin Jefferson on the Offenders and Josh Jacobs back into the draft.
Not available (kept): Najee Harris, Austin Ekeler, Stefon Diggs, Cam Akers, Jonathon Taylor, Saquon Barkley, Cordarelle Patterson, Antonio Gibson, Ja’mar Chase, Javonte Williams, Ezekiel Elliott, Davante Adams, Dalvin Cook, Eli Mitchell, Alvin Kamara, CEH, Travis Kelce, Derrick Henry, D’Andre Swift, Justin Jefferson, Jalen Waddle, Kyle Pitts Jr, George Kittle, Tyreek Hill, Christian McCaffrey, Amon-ra St. Brown, Josh Allen, Nick Chubb.
Pick 1: Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla – Breece Hall
Breece Hall checks all this BIG GUY’s boxes: Rookie RB, New York Jet, and terrible pick that would have been available to him later. Months later: Pearson will ask “What went wrong? How did I end up in the fish bowl again?!” Start here buddy…
Pick 2: Aconitum Wolves – Joe Mixon
Falsely believing himself to be a contender, the Wolves go with the safe, unspectacular pick. With no second round pick, Bobby absolutely HAS to go runningback here, unless he wants to draft Myles Gaskin as his RB2 in the third round.
Pick 3: Aquarium Ave. Magikarps – Cooper Kupp
Keeping two RBs is a massive luxury in this league, and the Magikarps take full advantage of this in taking the best player available, and welcoming back Cooper Kupp. Despite winning last year, the Karps are poised to make another title run, and what better way to do that than to bring back the WR1 from last season?
Pick 4: Creek Crossing Sharks – Aaron Jones
On the other end of the spectrum, keeping no RBs the Sharks have absolutely no choice but to go RB here. The Sharks welcome back Aaron Jones, who single-handedly destroyed their soul last season by putting up a 4TD performance on Monday Night Football.
Pick 5: Essex Offenders – Uncle Lenny
Offenders take this opportunity to field two quality starting runningbacks for the first time in franchise history. Weight concerns aside, Uncle Lenny was a true feature back in Tampa last season, and should be able to repeat that this year.
Pick 6: Pepsiland Pontooners – Deebo Samuel
The Pontooners select the best player available and take Deebo Samuel. While Kupp may put up bigger numbers, no WR is as important to his team’s game plan as Deebo. Having a WR who will see 10-11 targets a game and also get 4-5 carries is a huge luxury the Pontooners will enjoy as they look to return the franchise to the glory of their early-era BAFFL dynasty.
Pick 7: Creek Crossing Sharks – CeeDee Lamb
Having secured a starting runningback, the Sharks can now be a little more creative drafting, and take CeeDee Lamb, who is now the unquestioned WR1 for the Cowboys. Despite the lack of high-end keepers, the Sharks team is starting to come together through the multiple picks acquired. Don’t forget – the Karps traded away one of their keepers at the draft last year, and built their championship roster completely through the draft and free agency.
Pick 8: Pepsiland Nordiques – James Conner
Sensing a massive run on runningbacks, the Nordiques take this opportunity to shore up their RB2 slot with James Conner. When healthy, Conner put up solid fantasy numbers, and with Chase Edmonds out of the picture in AZ the backfield should be Conner’s alone as long as he stays healthy.
Pick 9: Moustache Mystics – David Montgomery
David Montgomery is the quintessential late first round BAFFL pick: runningback that no one is super excited about, but consistently puts up solid, if unspectacular numbers. When the choice is to dress Montgomery as your RB2 vs. what waits for you in the second round, it’s an easy decision to make.
Pick 10: Delamere Dawgpound – Josh Jacobs
Dawgpound GM Boyle is furious here that Montgomery got snapped up before he could bring him back for the 2022-2023 season. True to form, he can’t contain his emotions and lets his burning rage out in front of his fellow GMs by letting out a brief sigh. He steps up to the podium and drafts Josh Jacobs, and is already disappointed with how the draft has gone.
Pick 11: Crevasse Cheeks – Mark Andrews
Another manager keeping 2 RBs, the Cheeks make the unpopular pick here and take ratbird Mark Andrews. The pick is undoubtedly a great one; Lamar Jackson can’t throw the ball more than 5 yards downfield and has lost his favourite target in Hollywood Brown. Andrews is sure to get a ton of volume. That doesn’t make the pick any more popular, and hufflepuff GM Conde immediately tries to smooth things over and justify his pick to a chorus of boos.
Pick 12: Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla – Kha’Darius Toney
This pick will determine if there’s any hope for GM BIG Guy to change his ways. Even if he finishes dead last and Chomps stays put, if the gorillaz hit and Toney has a big year, they will never stop chasing these type of picks by drafting way off the board. If he swings and misses on both Hall and Toney, maybe, just MAYBE the memory of drafting Kareem Hunt will fade and the GM will take a hard look in the mirror after another terrible season.
Pick 13: Hibiscus Battle Hogz – JK Dobbins
Still in shambles from his last second defeat in the BAFFL finals, GM Desormeaux has barely been able to do research this offseason; thinking about fantasy football has just been too painful. Trying to emulate his idol/boyfriend/BAFFL Champ, Desormeaux drafts dollar store Najee Harris with pick number 13. For weeks, the rest of the league is subjected to endless unBAFFLed talk about what a great pick this is, and how he is poised to make another title run. Luckily for the rest of the league, Corey trades him by week 4 after he averages 6 touches per game, at which point his season turns around and helps another fantasy team make a title run.
Pick 14: Aquarium Ave. Magikarps – Mike Evans
Cooper Kupp, Mike Evans, Najee Harris, Austin Ekeler…. gross. With the first round in the books, it’s already apparent, the 2023 BAFFL Champions will once again be the aquarium avenue magikarps. There’s no possible scenario where they don’t win it all, literally none. Bottom-feeder teams; PLEASE do not trade him your first round picks next year. Looking at you Pearson… I know you probably think you are one player away from a title, but trust me, you’re not.
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